I’ve been hard on myself when it comes to wasting time. After work I feel depleted but still restless. Instead of using up all the free time I have after work in bed, on my phone, or watching mindless Youtube videos, I thought I would use the time to reconnect with my pastimes. I used to love drawing, it’s all I did. I used to stay up till 5am some nights just sitting on the floor painting. I’ve been missing the therapeutic moments I had while creating, and I’ve been trying to find those moments again.
I was asked why I always draw faces but never bodies? Could I draw one from my mind like I could with faces? I didn’t even know if I could draw a body without a reference or not. So I thought I would give it a go. I tried not to put so much pressure on myself about being anatomically or proportionality correct, instead I just wanted to enjoy the feeling of pencil gliding on paper and to pick at my brain to find out what I could retrieve from it.
The sun started to set so my eyes were starting to feel strained, so I stopped where I did. I actually like how it turned out! I’m surprised. Anyway, there she is.
I went to take a picture of the sunset. Only noticed that little plane in the middle of the photo after I took it! Wild.
Welcome back buddies. Things are not going so well for me emotionally lately, but I’m learning to ride the wave.
As I was drawing this I was thinking about how we’re going into 2020, a ~*sparkly*~ new decade. And how I started the decade as an angsty 16 year old and I’m ending it as a tired 26 year old. But I was sitting there feeling familiar because I started the decade off using art as an escape and nearing the end of the decade, well I’m using it as an escape again. It’s like huh, what did I learn in the last ten years? A lot or not enough?
Oops, there I go again neglecting my blog. The last two weeks of my life have come with a lot of adjusting. I’ve been learning to accept change, and I’ve been learning how to feel comfortable in a new routine.
In the midst of all this boring regular life stuff, I was asked to showcase my art at a local creative market with MoveSpace. It was super last minute, but I thought why not?
I had my little stall which I casually put together. Honestly, I didn’t want to have too much expectation. I’ve done one other stall in the past, and it made me feel a little self conscious. Why? Well because I only sold one piece and that really shot my confidence.
Since then I’ve thought a lot about why I do art, why I showcase it, and what I expect in terms of where my art is going. I realise that I do art because it’s sort of like therapy for me. It definitely helps me process emotions and let go of what I’m holding onto. I like showcasing my work because I enjoy other people seeing it, I enjoy their reactions and I enjoy when they tell me how it makes them feel and what they think about it.
And in terms of where my art is going in the future. Well, that’s always a hard one for me. I enjoy that art is a form of creative expression for me, however, I would love to one day be able to monetise it. I’d love to feel like I can really use the term artist. Before I get to that point though, I need to work on my self confidence and my skill.
I’ve still got a lot to learn. But in the mean time, I’m happy doing what I’m doing.
I’d also like to make a little update on the Be Inspired Journal situation. I do love doing the journal entries, however, I’m not sure that I’ll post every single one I do. I think I’ll keep updating my blog with the journal prompts but I’ll pick and choose which I want to share. Not everything needs to be shared right?!
I feel like I start every blog post off by saying “WOW, I HAVEN’T POSTED ANYTHING IN A WHILE.” Well, this is no exception.
It felt like a therapeutic studio session while making this drawing. I sat down and told myself not to have any expectations. I told myself to just doodle, let the pen flow, let whatever wants to come out just to come out as it wants to. Sometimes as artists we expect a finished product, we expect to create something beautiful or moving. With such expectations comes great pressure. This time.I just wanted to “feel” everything as it came through. Dropping expectation definitely helped let things flow without resistance and I believe it shows through this drawing. It got me thinking and I realised that I aim to drop resistance in my life in general. And with dropping resistance, we are more open, more receptive. And being open with ourselves means at some point we come to realise we even have darkness; everyone has darkness within them and that’s okay. It looks different in every individual. A lot of our resistance is to snuff or hide the dark parts of ourselves, parts that we are ashamed of or even feel guilty for. I’ve learned that darkness isn’t synonymous to “bad”. I’ve learned that we can work with out darkness and let it guide us in certain situations where the light can’t reach.
Since having the realisations about my own darkness I’ve been much easier on myself. I realise that I have things to work through and sometimes I need to sit with my darkness to really understand myself as a whole.
We all have something we’re waiting on. Something we’ve hoped for for months and sometimes even years. We grow impatient. We get angry. We do things out of our character for what we want.
Have you ever noticed, when you get the thing you want finally, it doesn’t seem as satisfying as you thought it would be? That’s probably because it wasn’t the time for it.
More often than not, as humans, as pleasure driven creatures, we grow impatient. Until recently we’ve been raised in a world that pushes for instant gratification. Things have become easier to access and obtain. We even expect a little more than what we bargained for.
Thinking out loud, as my own experience, I’ve noticed things are a lot more satisfying and “feel right” when they come into fruition organically. I’ve come to realize that divine timing is no joke. It’s there, its prevalent, and it knows more than you. It knows all the obstacles in your path and all the victories. It’ll adjust itself with ever change in your life. Divine timing isn’t here to please your every need. Divine timing is constantly working in your favour.
Realize that everything that needs to happen will happen. You will get what you deserve, either “good” or “bad.” Our only purpose is to remain true to ourselves and our path, and if we’re ever derailed from our path, divine timing will always push us back where we need to be. This is why its almost impossible to act like someone you’re not.
Personally, every time something “wrong” happens I try to engage with it. I try to understand what this moment and this situation is trying to teach me. Sometimes we just need to learn the lesson before we receive our gift. Sometimes we need to develop our skills and understanding before we receive that thing that we want.
Don’t rush what’s already yours. It’ll come when it’s the right time for you to have it. In the mean time, you have a whole life to enjoy.
Notice when you’re impatient and ask yourself “can I really handle what I’m trying to manifest?”
The last two weeks I’ve been trying to force myself to create again. I know I know, we shouldn’t force it. I understand creativity comes when it comes. But I’ve found if I don’t put in the effort, I can hermit creatively for years.
The other day I was sitting in my studio, staring at this pink paper, just mentally blank. I thought about my favourite mediums and what I actually ENJOY using. So I picked up some charcoal. Its messy, it’s dark, it’s intentional. A lot like my ego.
I realize I am held back from creating and from sharing due to my ego. I understand she occupies my mind and tells me everything I can’t do. But I want to understand why. I want to understand why she’s so ready to live in fear. So I talked to her. I asked her why she wants us to be hidden. I asked her why she can be so negative. Then I asked her if she’d help me achieve my goals and help me reach my dreams.
A lot of the time our egos hold us back. Lurking in the shadows of our mind, we don’t even notice it. I am working with my ego, negotiating with her, on how we can make our relationship work. How can I use my ego to be a driving force to put out my creative content? While a lot of the time ego is fear based, it’s also CONFIDENCE. We all know that person who is “egotistical,” who thinks they know it all, who thinks they’re God’s gift to this earth. And why? Because they have their ego working with them. They have confidence and they have drive to get what they want.
I’m working with my ego so she’s not just lurking in the shadows. I want to push her forward. I want her to take charge and show the world what ego is known for. I’m hoping we can have a happy and constructive relationship, but I understand this takes time.